“You have to care less about your work”

“You have to care less”

That’s what a great mentor - an experienced female CEO - said recently when I asked her about her secret to success, in one of our Keys To Impact community calls.

I was confused at first - because everything I know about great work says the opposite.

Care is the secret ingredient to great work

“What we make testifies who we are. People can sense care and can sense carelessness.”

That’s Jony Ive, the designer behind the iPhone.

Think about what caring actually does. When Jony Ive designed a laptop, he didn’t stop at the average use case of someone sitting at a desk. He asked: what happens if the user’s hands are full? What if they’re in a rush? That’s why you get charging cables that snap into place magnetically, and software that saves your work before the battery dies.

He would spend hours refining a detail like the click of a button. You’d never consciously notice it, but you’d feel the quality.

That’s what care looks like: When you care, you work with more attention and you create better outcomes. When you care for your team, they feel valued and do better work too.

Care genuinely is the secret ingredient to doing great work.

So why would a successful CEO tell us to care less?

When caring starts to work against you
 

Here is what she meant: The same emotional connection that makes your work excellent can backfire - specifically in the moments when you deal with other people.

When you care deeply, your brain becomes emotionally driven. In a meeting, it becomes easy to take things personally and react in the heat of the moment. And that can pull you away from the goal you care about achieving.

She gave us an example: You’re in a meeting and you share an idea, but nobody responds and the conversation moves on.

This happens more often to women - it’s part of what researchers call the authority gap, the well-documented pattern of women’s contributions being overlooked.

Then, a few minutes later, someone else says almost the same thing. And suddenly everyone agrees and takes the idea on board.

You probably know this moment. And you also know that, because you care - about the idea, about being heard, about fairness - you really want to say:

“Excuse me, I made the same suggestion a few minutes ago. Why did no one listen?”

Completely understandable. But if you say so, in that moment, you’ve forgotten your goal and the idea, and started fighting for credit. Everyone hears you are frustrated, and frustration rarely wins a group of people over.

What “caring less” actually looks like
 

Now imagine you could step outside the emotion - outside your own body - for a moment.

From the outside, you’d see something useful: the person who repeated your idea is influential. The team is aligned now, and the idea (which is yours) is moving forward.

So instead of arguing, you build on it: “Building on what you said, here’s how we could take it further.” That’s how you can calmly steer the discussion.

Of course, sometimes you do want to claim your idea, especially if someone repeatedly overlooks your contributions. Then you can say, still calmly: “Glad this is landing - building on what I raised earlier, here’s how we take it further.” Now the room hears whose idea it was.

Either way, the secret to this: not feeling full of emotion when you say it.

So should you care, or not?

Care deeply about the goal and outcome. That’s what makes you excellent.

But in the moment, detach from your ego.

The CEO’s “care less” isn’t about becoming careless - but instead about caring less about a specific moment where you might otherwise get emotional. Stay focused on the bigger goal you actually care about.

A practical way to care less

Easier said than done, right? Here’s a technique that makes it practical.

Psychologist Ethan Kross, who wrote the book Chatter, studied how to get distance from your inner voice. One of his most powerful findings is called distanced self-talk: talk to yourself using your own name and “you”, instead of “I”.

So instead of: “I’m so frustrated, nobody is listening to me...”

I would silently say: “Christina, you’re frustrated. What matters most to you right now?”

It sounds almost too simple. But in a 2017 study, Kross and 10 other researchers measured people’s brain activity while they processed upsetting experiences. When people used their own name instead of “I”, the brain regions linked to rumination and painful emotions calmed down - and it took no extra mental effort. (I have linked the article below)

Using your name puts you outside your own head. You see yourself the way you’d see a colleague - and suddenly you can think clearly again.

Your action plan
 

Next time you feel frustrated in a meeting because you are not being heard, do this:

Step 1: Notice it. Tell yourself: “Oh - this must really matter to me. I really care about this.” That alone takes the edge off.

Step 2: Say your name. Silently: “[Your name], you’re frustrated. What’s your goal here?”

Step 3: Choose your move. Build on the idea, or calmly reclaim it. Either way, you’re acting from your goal, not your ego.

Care deeply but detach in the moment. That’s the secret the CEO was really sharing.

PS. If you want to learn more such success secrets from Senior female leaders, you can hear them live once a month, and ask the questions that really matter to you. Check out the Autumn programme of the Keys To Impact community here, and join our waitlist.

PPS. The study on third-person self-talk to regulate emotions is linked here.