When your team doesn’t respect you as the manager

You just got promoted, or you got a project to lead.

You are excited when you walk into your first team meeting. You have started to make plans for the team, and you can feel the momentum - you are finally in a position where you can create real value.

But when you walk into the room (or enter the virtual meeting), you realise that not everyone feels the same way.

Some people look at you critically, thinking ‘why did she get that role?’ Others interrupt you, point out flaws in your thinking and ask tricky questions. They seem to be trying to make life challenging for you.

Ever been in such a situation?

I certainly have, multiple times. In my first Senior leadership role, that’s how the team reacted. And even recently as a consultant, some of my client team reacted like this.

As you probably know too, it’s not a nice feeling. You go from being enthusiastic about being recognised to feeling quite alone and frustrated. Perhaps you even doubt whether you are the right person for the role.

And for women in male-dominated teams, this kind of situation tends to happen even more often.

Today I will show you why this happens, and 3 steps you can take, so these people don’t disrupt everything you are planning to do.

Let’s dive in.

Why people push back on a new leader

There are several reasons why someone might not approve of your new role. Many of them link back to ‘social threats’. Your brain responds to a social threat in a similar way than to a physical one: It goes into fight or flight.

Dr. David Rock summarised 5 types of social threat in his SCARF model (detailed article linked at the bottom of the email)

• Status: how important they feel. If they were the “go-to expert” before, your arrival as the new leader can make them feel less valued.

• Certainty: whether they can predict what happens next. A new leader brings new expectations and new ways of working.

• Autonomy: how much control they have over their own work. They worry you might change how they do things.

• Relatedness: whether they feel safe with you. They don’t know yet if you are on their side.

• Fairness: whether they think the decision was fair. Perhaps they feel they should have got the role.

This also explains the difference between someone who is jealous and someone who feels threatened. Jealousy is about Fairness and Status: they wanted what you have. Feeling threatened is about Certainty and Autonomy: they worry about what you will do next.

Notice how none of these 5 has anything to do with you as a person. It’s a very natural and human reaction. That’s the first thing to realise.

First, get rid of your baggage
 

One of my mentors said: “Get rid of your baggage.”

Your baggage is the knowledge you have about this person’s background. It is also any fault you give yourself for progressing when they didn’t, or for introducing change. Treat it neutrally, like a blank slate.

This is especially important if you were peers with some of the team before, and you now feel guilty. Treat it as a new manager job.

Then, depending on what the person is worried about, there is a different step.

Step #1: Find out their goals so you can support them

This helps with Fairness and Status.

The most powerful conversation I ever had was with a Senior engineer who had wanted my role when I got promoted.

I told him: “Look, there is nothing I can do about this situation. This is how the business sees it. I too don’t like that you are frustrated. What I do want to do is help you get to where you want to get to. So can you talk to me more about what you want your next step to look like?”

He was quite open: “I wanted your job.”

Since this was a newly created role, we then had a discussion about what was actually within the remit. And we discovered he’d had a completely different image of the role compared to what it actually was.

What followed was a fascinating conversation about the difference between a technical leadership role (what he wanted) and a commercial leadership role (what I had come in for). We realised I could very much support him to shine technically and take responsibility for the engineering team, whilst I expanded the product and user research function and defined our strategy.

Two years later, when I moved on from the business, that engineer told me: “You were the best manager I ever had.” He was promoted into a principal role, and led and grew the team successfully.

So when someone looks really frustrated, ask them what they want out of their career. Then discuss how you can help them get there.

That one conversation also helps with Relatedness, because they find out you are on their side.

Step #2: Give them a say in the ‘how’
 

This helps with Certainty and Autonomy.

Be clear about what’s for debate and what’s not.

For example, tell the team you are very open to co-create how you work together, such as how and when you meet each week. But the ‘what’ is not for debate: the goals, and what you want to achieve this quarter.

This does two things. The team knows what to expect from you, which gives them certainty. And they get to create something too, so they don’t have to just follow what you say. People don’t like it when their autonomy is taken away.

I do this a lot as a consultant, so conversations don’t get derailed and I don’t set the wrong expectations. I let the team co-create so they have input, but I am very clear where the line is and where I hold the authority.

Someone may still try to debate the goals in front of everyone. Then you can say: “The goal is set. What I’d like your input on is how we get there.”

Step #3: If they still resist, limit your time with them
 

During one of our community calls recently, our guest shared this advice. She is a CEO in a startup and has held large corporate leadership roles in the past.

She said: Make sure you spend the majority of your time with the part of the team that’s actually working well and turning out results.

Many times we make the mistake of spending our time trying to win over the one person who resists. But that means the rest of the team cannot gain momentum.

So have the conversation from Step 1 and give them their say from Step 2. If they still push back after that, stay polite and fair, but put your energy into the people who want to move forward.

Your team and its results matter more than trying to bring one person on board.

You will meet this again and again
 

These situations occur again and again throughout your career. Whether you work as a consultant and some of your client team hasn’t bought in, or you become an Exec, there will always be people who don’t want to be led by you.

So knowing how to apply these 3 steps becomes highly important.

Your action for this week

Think of one person who pushes back on you right now. Which of the 5 threats might be behind it?

Then pick the step that fits, and try it this week.

Let me know how it goes?

The full article and explanation of the SCARF model is linked here.