Why it’s so hard to say no
Oct 04, 2026
“It would make the world’s difference if you came with me to the concert…”
“Ok, I will come.”
This is a recent conversation I had with a friend. They said yes because they didn’t want to disappoint me. But inside they were thinking: “Oh, I really don’t want to go.” (I know this because I asked them afterwards.)
The whole evening, I watched them look at their phone, probably thinking ‘When does this end?’ That didn’t make it very enjoyable for me either.
This is a mini illustration of what happens in people-pleaser mode. You say yes to things that don’t feel right for you - and you end up disappointing people anyway.
The same thing happens at work
I remember once how hard I found it to tell my team we were stopping a project. I knew how much their hearts were in it, so I kept putting it off.
When I finally told them, one of them said: “Why didn’t you say so earlier? We could have worked together on an alternative, or maybe we could have turned it around?”
And that’s when I realised that my intent to keep everyone happy actually made everyone less happy.
Why this is holding you back in your career
People-pleasing can also quietly hold back your career.
Economists Linda Babcock, Lise Vesterlund and colleagues conducted a study to find out what type of people end up with the work nobody wants to do, e.g. organising a team event, taking notes, sitting on another committee - the admin work that doesn’t contribute to your goals.
They found women are asked more often to do these tasks, and say yes more often when asked. They are asked because people expect them to say yes. So if that’s you, don’t blame yourself - it happens to many women. (I have linked the research study below)
What’s very clear: Every time you say yes to a task that you have been asked to do, you say no to the work that would help you towards your goals and move your career forward.
On an intellectual level, many of us understand this. But why is it still so hard to translate into practice?
Why you say yes before you’ve even thought about it
Psychologists believe we have a deep need to belong. In ancient times, being pushed out of a group was dangerous: It was much harder to survive on your own.
That’s why the urge to say yes often feels automatic - it happens before you’ve had a chance to think.
One brain study shows how strong this can be. When people disagreed with a group, their brains flagged it like a mistake. The stronger that signal, the more likely they were to change their answer to match everyone else. (I have linked the research below)
Some of us feel this more than others.
If you’re very caring, you can really feel other people’s stress and want to take some load off them.
If you’re very polite, you tend to hold back your own wishes to not offend others, and say yes to others.
Both are great qualities - but they also make it harder to say no.
So what can we do, to deal with our people pleasing reaction? Here are 3 practical steps:
Step 1: Know what counts for you
You can’t easily say no to other people if you don’t know what you want yourself.
When you know your own goals, you have something to measure each request against. So take some time to ask yourself: what’s my next goal, and what will help me get there?
Then make sure to tell others - that automatically creates boundaries. You’d be surprised how often others don’t know what matters to you, because we never say it out loud.
For example, I used to share with my team: “I’m really excited to work with you. Just so you know, I keep Tuesday and Thursday evenings free for my music practice.” Then it’s clear from the start.
Or it could sound like this: “Wednesday mornings are my focus time for the [X] project, so I keep them free of meetings.”
Step 2: Pause before you answer
Make a rule for yourself: Don’t accept requests on the spot and buy yourself time.
For example: “Thank you for thinking of me. Let me check my current project commitments, and I’ll come back to you by 3pm.”
That gives you space to check whether this really fits your goals, and prevents you from reacting to the reflex.
Step 3: Say no without burning bridges
When you want to say no, this simple 3-step structure helps:
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Their situation: “I understand the pressure you’re under.”
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Your situation: “I’m focused on finishing [project] by [date], and taking this on would delay it.”
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An alternative: “I could help next month.” Or: “Could we rotate this across the team?”
If the request comes from your manager, ask a trade-off question: “Happy to help. Which of X or Y should I move to make space?” This shows you’re willing, and you make the cost of the yes visible.
It might feel uncomfortable at first, because your brain will register the discomfort of disappointing someone. That’s normal, and the more often you do it, the easier it gets.
What my friend could have said
Back to my concert.
My friend could have said: “Thank you for asking. Concerts aren’t really my thing, but shall we get dinner afterwards?”
I would have been much happier with that.
A clear no, said kindly, is often much nicer than a reluctant yes.
Your next step
Set aside 10 minutes. Look back at last week and list the tasks you completed. Then mark the tasks that will count towards your objectives - the ones that you want to show in your next review.
For the rest, ask yourself - why did I take these on? How can I say no next time?
The studies I mentioned above: