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How to lead a group when you are not the leader

Feb 22, 2026

Have you ever been in a meeting where there’s no clear leader — and everyone is just going in circles?

Maybe it’s a group of colleagues designing a new system. Or a task force planning the annual team meeting.

No hierarchy and no one officially in charge.

I’ve been in these situations many times. And every time, I kept thinking:

“I want to move this forward. But I don’t want to dominate the group.”
“I want to show I can lead. But I don’t want to look like the most ambitious person in the room.”
“I want to be seen as a peer — not as someone who thinks they’re above everyone else.”

If those thoughts sound familiar, I want you to notice something.

Every single one is about shrinking yourself and accommodating to manage other people’s comfort.

And here’s what’s frustrating — most advice on this topic actually tells you to hold back, be collaborative and don’t step on toes. Which sounds wise until you realise it’s just a more sophisticated version of “wait your turn.”

But there is another way.

What if you could lead the group — set the direction, shape the outcome, move things forward — and have everyone walk away thinking it was a team effort?

You can — once you’ve understood something most people haven’t: how influence actually works, at a neurological level.

One of my 30-Day Challenge alumni recently asked me: “Christina, how do I lead without leading?”

I loved that question. So I started digging into the research.

What’s actually happening in the room (that nobody tells you)

Here’s something most people don’t realise.

When you start to dominate a group conversation, something happens in your colleagues’ brains. Their threat detector — a part of the brain called the amygdala — lights up. They start worrying: “Does she think she knows better than me? What does that mean for my position in this group?”

Once that happens, they go into defence mode. They stop thinking clearly. Daniel Goleman, a well-known psychologist, calls this an “amygdala hijack.” It’s when the emotional part of the brain takes over and shuts down the thinking part.

Here’s the thing: Most women hear this and think: “Right, so I should hold back.”

No. That’s the wrong lesson.

If you hold back completely, the group keeps adding more and more ideas with no direction. Everyone’s brain gets overloaded and no decisions get made.

The right lesson is this: you now understand the mechanism. You know exactly what triggers defensiveness and what keeps people’s thinking brain online. Most people in the room don’t know this. You do. And that gives you an enormous advantage.

Most people ask themselves: “How do I avoid triggering people?” But the real question you need to ask yourself: “How do I move this group exactly where it needs to go — while keeping everyone in the state where they’re most receptive to my influence?”

Here are 3 ways to do that.

#1: Ask strategic questions

Instead of telling the group what you think, ask a question that points the discussion in the right direction.

Instead of: “We should use microservices.”

Try: “Help me understand the trade-offs if we went with microservices. I’m struggling to see how the current setup handles our scale.”

Why does this work? Because you’re not telling anyone what to think. Instead you’re inviting them to explore an idea together. That feels safe — no one’s amygdala gets triggered.

Brené Brown calls this approach a “rumble.” It’s a way to lead a conversation and give it direction, without coming across as the person who thinks they have all the answers.

Let me be direct about what you’re really doing here. It’s not that you don’t know. You’re actually asking because you want the group to arrive at an insight you’ve already had. You’re letting them feel ownership of the direction you chose.

Your action step: Next time you’re in a group discussion and you have a strong opinion, turn it into a question. Instead of stating your idea directly, ask the group to explore it with you. Notice how the energy in the room shifts.

#2: Summarise to shape the narrative

When a group discussion starts spinning — everyone has ideas but nothing is coming together — don’t add another idea. Instead, pull together what’s already been said.

Try something like: “It sounds like Anna is worried about speed, and Mark is focused on budget. Can we find a middle ground that covers both?”

Why does this work so well? Think about how it feels when a messy conversation suddenly becomes clear. There’s relief and a sense of progress.

That’s because our brains crave closure. When ideas are floating around with no structure, it creates mental tension. When someone organises those ideas, the brain gets a small reward — a feeling of “ah, now I understand where we are.”

And here’s what you need to understand about what just happened: when you summarise, you decide what gets included and what gets left behind. You’re shaping the narrative and which points matter.

You’re effectively chairing the meeting — without anyone giving you the title. And you did it by making everyone else feel heard.

Your action step: In your next group meeting, listen for the moment when the discussion starts going in circles. Then pause and say: “Let me see if I can pull together what I’m hearing so far.” Summarise the key points — and notice that you just chose which direction the conversation goes next.

#3: Control the frame, not the answer

Research by Harvard professor Amy Edmondson shows that teams do their best work when they feel safe to take risks. And one thing that creates that safety is having a clear process.

So when the group is stuck, don’t suggest the answer, but a way to find the answer.

Try:

“What if we spend 10 minutes listing the pros and cons before we vote?”
“How about we hear from the quietest person in the room first, to make sure we’re not missing anything?”

People rarely get annoyed at someone who makes a meeting more efficient. What they do get annoyed at is someone who tells them what to think. That’s the difference.

But notice what you’ve actually done: whoever controls the process controls the outcome. You decided how the group will decide. That’s leadership — the kind that doesn’t trigger resistance because it looks like service.

Your action step: Next time your group is stuck, resist the urge to suggest a solution, but instead suggest a method for reaching one. You’ve just set the frame — and the person who sets the frame shapes everything that follows.

The 70/30 Rule

Here’s a guideline I use for myself:

70% of your input should be about the group. Ask questions, summarise points, suggest how to structure the discussion.

30% should be your own expertise. Share your technical knowledge or ideas — as part of the conversation, not as the final word.

Now, I want to be honest about what these three strategies really are:

When you summarise what the group has said, you’re helping the group — and at the same time you’re shaping the narrative. You decide what gets remembered and what gets left behind.

When you suggest a process for deciding, you’re collaborative — and at the same time you’re setting the frame. Whoever controls the process controls the outcome.

When you ask a targeted question, you’re curious — and at the same time you’re steering. You already have a point of view and you’re letting the group arrive at it themselves.

Does that sound manipulative? It’s not. It’s what every effective leader does. The difference is that most people do it unconsciously. You’re going to do it on purpose.

And here’s what happens when you follow this balance consistently: you become the person the group turns to. Because you took the lead — so skilfully that the group didn’t just accept your leadership, they welcomed it.