Are women born to be more humble?

I’ll always remember this moment.

About 5 years ago, I asked my manager what I needed to do, in order to move up, and become a Director.

I had managed a team before. I had even run a small business unit at my previous company.

But when I joined this new company, I had played all of that down. I didn’t want the people on my new team to feel I was a threat. So I kept quiet about my experience.

Then promotion time came around. And it became clear, my manager didn’t see me as a leader.

And that was the moment it hit me: I had stood in my own way. Building a case for myself was now painfully hard, because nobody knew what I was capable of. I had hidden it.

This is a perfect example of something I see so often. I feel the need to stay humble. And I know so many other women who feel the same way.

So I started to wonder. Women often say we are taught to be like this. Is that true? Or are we born to with a ‘humble-gene’?

Recently I ran an online workshop on self-promotion for the founding members of my community (learn more here). To get ready for it, I went deep into the research. I wanted to understand why we as women find this so hard.

Here is what I found.

Do women really hold back?

The short answer is yes.

Several studies show what researchers call the “self-promotion gap.” One large study from Harvard and the Wharton School found something that really made me think. (I have linked it below)

Women rated their own performance lower than men did, even when they had the same average test scores.

But one detail matters most. The gap was not the same everywhere. It was far bigger for work seen as “male,” like science and maths. For work seen as “female” or neutral, like verbal reasoning, it almost disappeared.

Think about that for a moment. It means women in technical fields, like engineering and science, are the least likely to share what they have done. And those are the very fields where you have to - because you are surrounded by men who all do.

So I got curious:

Are we born to be more humble?

The study also observed 10,000 school children and investigated the age when this self-promotion gap starts, or whether we are born with it.

They found that children from around 6th grade (11 to 12 years) show a difference in how they rate their performance on the test.

So we are not born with it. And there is no ‘humble-gene’.

But something happens when we grow up, to make us behave like that… What is that? Why are women more humble?

Researchers at the University of Illinois studied 123 women writing a scholarship essay, which is really a self-promotion task in disguise. (Study also linked below) They wanted to find out the reason why these women held back - so they analysed the essays in detail.

The way they wrote, and the way they held back from naming their wins, pointed to one main cause: we are conditioned to it because of backlash.

Here is what that means. We worry about the price we will pay for talking about our achievements. Society tells women to be modest. So when we are not, we can suffer for it. People call us aggressive, or full of ourselves.

And it gets harder in fields seen as “male.” There, a woman who promotes herself is judged even more sharply.

Now here is the part I found fascinating. This habit of avoiding backlash gets wired into your brain. Our brains change with what we go through. Painful experiences, over time, build new pathways, and we learn to avoid whatever got us hurt.

Why am I telling you all this?

Not to leave you feeling doomed. I don’t want you thinking your brain will hold you back forever. I want the very opposite: I want you to understand it, so you can stop blaming yourself. Because that is all this really is: an automatic reaction in your brain. Nothing to do with you.

And there is good news from the same science. If your brain learned this by adapting to the world around you, then it can adapt back. You can teach yourself out of the worry.

A simple way to share wins without bragging

You only fear backlash if there is a real chance you will sound arrogant when you talk about your achievements.

So what if you had a way to share your wins that never came across as showing off?

That is exactly what this next tool does. It ties what you did to the result for the business, and it gives credit to the people who helped. Do those two things, and the worry about sounding arrogant disappears.

I call it ART. It stands for Achievement, Result, Team.

A is for Achievement. Say what you did. Include the real challenge you faced and the action you took.

For example: “I wanted to share some progress. While working on Project X, I kept us on schedule even though two team members fell ill. I did this by working out the most urgent tasks and bringing in someone from another team to help.”

R is for Result. Say what it meant for the team or the company.

For example: “I’m really proud that this is helping us reach our department goal of cutting project delays.”

T is for Team. This part is optional. Thank the people who supported you.

For example: “And I want to thank the team for being so open to my ideas.”

That’s it. Achievement, Result, Team.

Look at what each part is doing. The result turns an achievement into something strategic. The thank-you shows you are not only in it for yourself. Put together, they let you claim your win and stay someone people like.

You can use ART in your one-to-one with your manager, just like the example above. It works just as well in your weekly update, or any moment when you want to share what you’ve done without sounding like you are bragging.

So, right now - take two minutes and write it out, for one of your achievements. Applying the tool immediately means it will stick in your brain.

The case I wish I’d made

I often think back to that promotion where I put so many hurdles in my own way.

If I had been using ART from the day I walked into that company, everything would have looked different. My manager would have known what I could do from the start. I would not have had such a long journey to prove that I can in fact be a leader.

That is what I want for you.

PS. In our skills workshop in the community we didn’t only learn, but we also practiced how to self-promote. If you want to join us, you can apply here.

PPS. The research studies I mentioned are linked here:
Harvard/The Wharton School: The Gender Gap in Self-Promotion. 
The University of Illinois: Women and Self-Promotion: A Test of Three Theories