Why external validation is holding you back

You’ve probably heard this advice before: “Don’t rely on external validation. Build your inner confidence.”

Sounds nice. But here’s what no one tells you.

The problem with external validation isn’t just that it makes you feel insecure. It actually changes how you learn and how fast you can progress in your career.

Let me explain.

Where the habit comes from

Think about school for a moment.

From the very beginning, we’re trained to listen for external validation. Teachers tell you how well you did. Grades tell you if you’re on track. Prizes reward you for following the rules.

We learn a simple formula: follow the blueprint, tick the boxes, get rewarded.

And it works. In school.

But then we carry that same approach into our careers. And that’s where it starts to hurt us.

The blueprint trap

If you’re someone who relies on external validation, you’ll always be looking for a blueprint to follow. Someone to copy and tell you exactly how it’s done.

You watch the CTO and try to lead exactly like them. They do 1-1s a certain way, so you copy that style. They’re loud and direct in meetings, so you try to be loud and direct too.

I see this happen a lot with women in technical roles. They feel pressure to behave more like the men around them — turning up the volume, appearing more dominant, adapting behaviours that feel completely unnatural.

Why? Because they’re hoping someone will say, “Great job. I like the way you lead.”

That’s the external validation loop in action. Copy the blueprint, wait for approval, and repeat until someone notices.

But here’s the problem: you’re not actually learning anything. You’re just imitating. And the behaviours you’re copying might not even work for you.

What I learnt as a Chief of Staff

When I stepped into my Chief of Staff role, I had no one to copy.

The previous person in the role had a completely different style, with different strengths and a different way of working with the executives. I couldn’t just watch what they did and replicate it.

At first, this felt terrifying. I kept looking for someone to tell me, “Yes, you’re doing this right.” But that feedback rarely came. The C-suite were busy. They weren’t going to pat me on the back after every meeting.

So I had to change my approach.

Instead of asking, “How should I do this?” I started asking, “What actually makes this role effective?”

I studied what worked when I influenced a decision and paid attention to what didn’t. I figured out the principles behind the role — things like building trust, reading the room, knowing when to push and when to hold back — rather than copying someone else’s playbook.

That shift changed everything. I stopped waiting for validation and started trusting my own judgement about what was working.

And I grew faster in that role than in any role before it.

The difference between copying and understanding

Here’s what separates people who grow quickly from people who stay stuck.

People who need external validation ask: “What should I copy?”

People who don’t need it ask: “What’s the method behind this?”

Let me give you an example.

Say you admire how your CTO leads. The blueprint approach is to copy their behaviours: Do 1-1s the way they do, speak in meetings the way they speak and hope someone notices and tells you you’re doing well.

The method approach is different. You ask: What is it about their approach that makes people follow them? What are the principles behind how they build credibility? How do they engage their team?

Once you understand the principles, you can apply them in ways that fit your natural style.

Maybe you lead more collaboratively and don’t do 1-1s the same way at all. Maybe you lead with softer power — inviting people in, influencing through questions — instead of being the loudest voice in the room.

Both approaches can work. But only the method approach lets you grow into a leader who feels authentic.
 

Why this matters for your confidence too

Here’s the thing about external validation. It doesn’t just slow your growth. It also makes your confidence completely dependent on your environment.

Let me show you what I mean with two meetings.

Meeting one: Your manager

You’re in a 1-1 with your manager. You share your Q1 plan, your team goals, your priorities. They nod along and give you a few suggestions. And then they say: “You’re on the right track. Keep going.”

You leave feeling energised and confident, ready for what’s next.

Meeting two: The executive team

Same plan - now you’re presenting it to the leadership team.

They sit silently, ask a couple of questions about one specific customer. Then they move on to the next presenter.

No “great job.” No feedback. Nothing.

If you’re someone who needs external validation, here’s what happens next. You replay the meeting in your head. You fixate on the silence. You make up stories: “They didn’t seem impressed. Maybe they have doubts about me.”

You leave distracted and doubtful. You can’t concentrate properly for the rest of the day.

Same person. Completely different confidence levels — all because of whether you got feedback or not.

That’s not sustainable. You can’t control whether people give you feedback. And silence doesn’t mean you did badly. It often just means they’re busy, or they have nothing to add.

What freedom looks like

When you stop needing external validation, something shifts.

You become free to experiment and get curious about what actually works. You judge yourself by your own progress, not by whether someone remembered to say “well done.”

You stop copying blueprints and start understanding methods. You stop waiting for approval and start trusting your own judgement.

That’s when real growth happens.

How to start making this shift

Here are three things you can try this week:

1. Notice your triggers

Pay attention to moments when your confidence drops. Did someone fail to give you feedback? Did a meeting end without clear approval?

Write down what happened and what story you told yourself afterwards. Just noticing the pattern is the first step.

2. Create your own feedback loop

After your next big meeting or presentation, take two minutes to write down: What went well? What would I do differently?

Don’t wait for someone else to tell you. Train yourself to evaluate your own performance.

3. Ask “what’s the method?” instead of “what should I copy?”

Next time you admire how someone leads, get curious about why it works. What principle are they using? How could you apply that same principle in a way that fits your natural style?

The bottom line

External validation feels good in the moment. But building your career on it is like building a house on sand.

When you learn to validate yourself — to trust your own judgement and measure your own progress — you stop being dependent on other people’s responses.

You become the kind of leader who doesn’t need permission to lead.