Good leadership doesn't look the way you think it does

At an International Women’s Day panel last week, I sat next to a senior leader in manufacturing. Warm, thoughtful, the kind of person you immediately feel at ease with.

At some point she said something that stayed with me long after the event ended.

She told me that in her workplace - surrounded mostly by male leaders who led in a direct way, often by sheer force of personality - she had started to feel like she needed to become someone different. Someone more dominant, more coercive. She felt that if she didn’t lead the way the men around her did, she wouldn’t be taken seriously.

“But that’s just not who I am,” she said.

I knew exactly what she meant.

The trap I fell into too

For years, I watched the leaders around me - confident, direct, commanding - and assumed that was the template. If I wanted to progress, I needed to match that energy. So I worked hard to adapt, observed how they operated and tried to mirror what I saw.

It never felt quite right - because it wasn’t quite me.

What changed things was becoming part of a group of senior women leaders at Chief who showed me a different way was possible. When I met them at events, they were warm, approachable, easy to be around. Yet these same women were leading large teams and driving major business decisions.

That made me curious enough to go and look for the research.

What a study of 3,871 executives actually found

The consulting firm Hay/McBer studied the leadership styles of 3,871 executives and identified six distinct approaches - all of them effective, depending on the situation.

Here they are, with a quick example of each:

Coercive - asks for immediate compliance. “We promised this feature to the customer. Go build it, figure it out.” High pressure and useful in a genuine crisis.

Authoritative - rallies people around a vision. “I want us all to reach X by March - here’s the direction we’re heading.” Motivating and good when people need clarity on where you’re going.

Affiliative - puts relationships first. “Before we dive into the plan, I want to check in - how is everyone feeling about the workload right now?” Builds trust and is especially useful when a team is stressed or fractured.

Democratic - brings people into the decision. “We’re planning these three features - what do you think?” Creates ownership and works well when you want genuine input before committing.

Pacesetting - leads by example and sets high standards. “I’ll have this roadmap done by tomorrow - who can take the tech specs?” Energising for high performers but can overwhelm others.

Coaching - develops people for the long term. “I want you to build the skill of creating roadmaps. Try it on our next project.” Builds capability and is often the most neglected style.

Notice what this means. The loud, directive style many of your colleagues rely on? That’s just one of six. And some of the others are almost the opposite.

According to the research, the most effective leaders don’t just have one style. They switch between them depending on what the moment requires - like chameleons.

What this means for you

First - you can stop measuring yourself against the most dominant person in the room. That’s one style out of six. It’s not the standard, and not the one that always works best. However, it has held power in most organisations, because it’s been the default for the people who were already in the room.

Second - think of these styles as tools, not personality traits. Using a more directive approach in a high-pressure moment doesn’t mean you’ve become someone else. It means you’re skilled. You pick up the right tool, use it, and put it back down. Your warmth, your empathy, your way of bringing people with you - none of that disappears.

Third - and this is the real advantage - most people never develop more than one or two of these styles. When leaders are locked into coercive or pacesetting mode all the time, they leave enormous value on the table. They miss the contributions their team could make. They create compliance, not commitment. If you can learn to read a situation and shift your approach accordingly, you will be ahead of the vast majority of leaders around you - because you’re more fluent.

One thing to try this week

Think about a meeting or conversation coming up in the next few days. Before you walk in, ask yourself: what does this situation need - and which of these six styles lets me lead it on my terms?

You might find the answer is something you’re already naturally good at.