It's not your fault you compare yourself

8 AM. I'm just getting up after working until midnight on a client project.

I grab my phone to check messages and there it is - a LinkedIn post from that colleague who started around the same time as me. She's announcing her promotion into the C suite.

My brain immediately goes: "Look at her. Already an Exec. So much further ahead. What's wrong with me that I'm not there yet?"

And there I was... turning someone else's success into proof that I was somehow falling behind.

Again.

This little moment got me thinking about something that's been quietly draining my energy for years. Something that turns a perfectly good morning into a session of self-criticism.

It's that automatic habit we all have. The one where we see someone else succeeding and immediately turn it into evidence that we're not good enough.

The comparison trap that's draining your energy

Here's what I've learnt: comparing yourself sucks out all your energy and leaves you with nothing but guilt and self-blame.

Think about it. When was the last time you compared yourself to someone and felt better about yourself?

Probably never.

Instead, you end up in that familiar spiral:

• You see someone doing "better" than you

• You blame yourself for not being good enough

• Your confidence drops

• You feel less motivated to try

• Which makes it even harder to reach your goals

(And round and round we go...)

Psychologists have a name for this pattern. It's called "comparisonitis" - and yes, that's a real term. It really does sound like a disease, doesn't it?

But here's the thing that nobody talks about: you can't just shut your eyes and pretend other people don't exist.

You work with colleagues every day. You have friends and family. You're surrounded by people.

So your brain keeps comparing.

It's actually hardwired to do this.

Why your brain won't stop comparing

In 1954, a psychologist named Leon Festinger discovered something important. He found that comparing ourselves to others is a fundamental human trait.

When we don't have clear ways to measure our own success, our brains automatically look around and think: "How am I doing compared to them?"

It's not a character flaw, it’s how we're built.

So if you can't stop your brain from comparing, what can you do?

The simple shift that changes everything
 

Instead of fighting against comparisons, I learnt to flip them around.

When I catch myself comparing, I ask one simple question:

"What can I learn from them?"

That's it. That one question transforms the whole experience.

Remember that LinkedIn post about my colleague's promotion? Instead of beating myself up, I got curious. What was she doing that I could try? Maybe there was something about her career strategy I hadn't considered.

So I reached out. Asked her for coffee. Learned about her approach to networking (something I'd been avoiding because... well, because I'm terrible at small talk).

Your three-step action plan
 

Next time you catch yourself comparing, try this:

Step 1: Notice it happening Just pause and think: "I'm comparing myself right now."

(This alone is huge. Most of us don't even realise we're doing it.)

Step 2: Ask the learning question "What can I learn from this person?"

Step 3: Pick one thing to experiment with Choose something small you can try this week.

For example:

• See someone who seems confident in meetings? Notice how they sit, how they speak, what they do with their hands

• Know someone who got promoted faster? Ask them about their career strategy over coffee

• Notice someone who seems super organised? Find out what tools or systems they use
  
  

The real difference this makes

When you shift from comparing to learning, three things happen:

1. You stop the negative spiral - Instead of feeling bad about yourself, you feel curious

2. You gain practical insights - Every person becomes a potential teacher

3. You build confidence - Each experiment shows you're growing and improving

I've been doing this for months now. Last month, I was in a client meeting when I noticed one of the executives who always speaks with such authority. Instead of thinking "I wish I could command attention like that," I asked myself what I could learn.

I already knew about the eye contact and speaking without apologies or hedging words (I teach those techniques all the time). But I watched how she used her hands to emphasise key ideas. How she would pause for effect after making important points. I tried incorporating these techniques in my next client presentation.

Did I suddenly become a commanding presence?

No.

But I felt more confident presenting my ideas. And I learnt something valuable that I could add to my toolkit - and share with the women I work with.

Your next step

This week, pick one person you find yourself comparing to. Maybe it's that colleague who seems fearless in presentations. Or that friend who always has her life together.

Ask yourself: "What can I learn from them?"

Then try one small thing. Just one.

Remember, you're not trying to become them. You're trying to become the best version of yourself.

And that journey starts with curiosity, not comparison.